I want what I don't do

We watched the Passion of the Christ last night, probably for the sixth time since it came out. I want that. I want the cross. I want the pain. It's the only time I am fulfilled, and feel useful.

So why don't I follow through? Why do hours go by, and I haven't even spoken to our Lord, or his mother and friends, or my guardian angel? I want it so much but I still live like a pagan.